


the ethereal art of forgetting (you are still here)

by writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle (twoandahalfslytherins)



Series: Addict is not a Personality Flaw [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Addiction, M/M, Vague Non-Stop Verse, no actual relapse just addiction feels, talk of the aftereffects of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 11:20:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9321206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoandahalfslytherins/pseuds/writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle
Summary: What sleeps must one day wake, even when you sneak through your life like a thief-Michael Lee's "The Addict, a Magician"





	

Sometimes, the thing Alex hated the most about their first years of college had nothing to do with the rapes. It wasn’t even denial about what the rapes had done to them. No, Franklin had made sure they knew. That they accepted it.

Their relationship with their body was getting better. The tattoo made the scars practically invisible, and there was more ink now. Spread down their upper arms, curling around their thighs and sprouting along their ankles. Flowers and vines, all in John’s hand. 

More than one corset was tucked away in the bottom of their closet, though Alex found they needed them less and less. The dresses were enough again. Especially since their hair had grown out enough to put into a small half ponytail. 

So despite the initial grief Jefferson had caused- Alex could handle that.

The way they swung from hypersexuality to not wanting anyone to touch them- well, their boyfriends dealt with that wonderfully. Aaron definitely didn’t mind. James, too, it seemed would be content if the two of them never fucked. Though he was definitely happy to partake in the spoils when Alex was in the mood. With his position reaffirmed in Alex’s life, even John didn’t push.

Nightmares weren’t their favorite, but whether they were curled up between Mads and Alex or tucked in with Laf and John, someone was always there to make it better. To lay on top of them or kiss their forehead. 

As for the panic attacks, those were happening less and less. Mads had even recorded himself on Alex’s phone, going over the breathing exercises for when Alex was in class or away from them on campus. 

No, what Alex hated the most? Was that they’d learned relief came in the form of small nameless pills.

Things were mostly better. Most of the time they didn’t think about it. Didn't need to disappear because things weren't as bad as they once were. No more gaping wounds, just residual pain. 

Surprisingly, when everyone else graduated, it hadn’t panicked them as much as expected. Hadn't left them desperate for something to fill the void.

Hercules left, took the best job offer he thought he was going to get and headed for a city. But it was only a couple of hours away and sometimes they met in the middle for a few days. Explored new places, drank and laughed. Never too far away to ignore the ringing phone.

Eliza and Maria had been the next ones to leave. Maria got a job doing social work in another state and Eliza found herself another nursing job within the year. Didn’t seem to mind being uprooted, just said that she thought it would be refreshing.

It’d been hard at first but as much as Alex hated to say it- time had normalized that wound. Weekly skype dates turned into the occasional phone call. Aaron and Maria still texted on occasion, that Alex was pretty sure of- but nothing like they used to. 

In terms of keeping up with people, Aaron didn’t seem to mind putting in a small amount of effort with everyone else- but his main priority was Angelica. That phone call stayed on the calendar, got moved around if either of them had plans. No letting the habit drift away on accident.

Aaron and Mads both kept their word, working on their Master's degrees. 

John was taking a gap year, seemed happier than ever to be working a ‘real’ job helping a local carpenter. Eventually, he would drift away, Alex knew that. Lafayette could work from anywhere in the world, but John needed to be closer to the ocean. Alex only hoped when they made that decision, Alex would be able to follow. That Aaron and Mads wouldn’t mind.

That they wouldn’t be split in two.

The longer they stayed there, hovering in front of the medicine cabinet, the more appealing it became. There was nothing ‘good’ there, so to speak. But maybe, maybe they could make it work. Could play alchemist and find something to sate the thrumming in their veins.

To soothe away this hurt.

A hand settled on top of Alex’s and without their permission a distressed whine left their body.

“It won’t help.” Matter of fact. But then again, James had always been matter of fact when it came to this kind of thing. “You could take the whole bottle- it wouldn’t be the same.”

Fuck.

It wasn’t as if Alex didn’t know that. Just like every energy drink in the world wouldn’t give them the same effect as the uppers, these pills wouldn’t somehow come together to become something they weren’t.

Slowly James lifted Alex’s hand away as if they were a child that had their hand on the hilt of a knife. Placed it on the counter, fingers briefly lingering on top of Alex’s, just the softest bit of pressure- an unspoken command to stay. Stay while he put the packet of sleeping pills back in the cabinet, stay while he tucked away the bottle of Advil. 

Stay while he took away even the most irrational hope of feeling better.

Alex’s body tensed, waiting for James to say something. To chide them or say some fucked up platitude that wouldn’t make them feel better.

But James did neither of those things. Ran a hand down Alex’s back before pulling away to make them tea. 

If it weren’t for the fact that Alex knew it was James’ own replacement-

Actually, that was a lie. Alex knew. Alex knew James picked up the medicinal tea habit when he’d quit taking pills himself. But it hadn’t been as hard for James. He hadn’t gone through the shakes. Through feeling like he was being ripped in two.

So the fact that the tea made James feel better in this situation didn’t change a thing about how Alex felt.

Frustrated.

“You weren’t supposed to be home yet.”

Aaron had class. John was supposed to be helping a few freshman practice their fencing while Lafayette watched, cooing over his boyfriend’s facsimile of violence. Mads had been at work, should still be at work, his schedule clear as day on the fridge.

James merely shrugged. “Gotta go back in tonight so Dolley sent me home. Something about someone having a play they needed to get to for class.”

That was something Alex wondered about. Wouldn’t ask about. Aaron’s job at the library made sense considering his degree, but Mads hadn’t looked for anything new. Seemed content still pulling shifts at the smoke shop even if he didn’t come home smelling like smoke anymore.

But sometimes- sometimes Alex thought even walking through the door of that place was like the tea. A suitable replacement.

It was funny, watching James walk out of the kitchen, two steaming mugs in hand. So assured that Alex would follow. 

Not that Alex could say anything because they did after a few seconds. Followed James outside so that the two of them could sit on the front porch.

Just sit because James didn’t push. Didn’t ask any follow-up questions or demand to know what Alex had been thinking. Aaron would have pushed. Would have felt the need to repeat over and over that they were there. That they cared. Ask if Alex needed to start tagging along to people’s classes again, if they needed to reevaluate their support system.

Franklin had poked at Alex’s aggravation over that more than once. Reminded Alex that Aaron’s fussing wasn’t about thinking Alex was weak- but needing to try and control something. His own self-soothing system. Prepare and plan.

But James let the quiet sit around them until Alex couldn’t bear it anymore. “I’m fine.”

Because staring at the medicine cabinet didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t like they’d actually taken anything. Just looked. There was nothing wrong with looking, right?

James blew on his tea before responding. “I never said you weren’t.” 

“I wasn’t going to-”

Could they even truthfully say that? Alex let the sentence trail off. Who knew what they would have done with a few more hours to spiral in their own head.

The space between their shoulders, the small sliver of open space between them and James was warm. A warmth Alex would have leaned into if they didn’t feel so defensive.

“I still read the labels.” The statement seemed almost nonsensical until James continued. “You always got your pills in baggies, but the bottles? We had those. Little orange bottles with their little white caps. Doesn’t matter that I know Aaron’s antidepressant isn’t oxy or that you’ve taken an antibiotic recently. Still, gotta read them.”

Alex didn’t know how to respond to that. Leaned against the railing on the steps, ignoring Franklin’s voice in their head saying that it was putting distance between them and James. To be careful that the metaphorical didn’t become real.

“Sometimes-” A cough interrupted him, but James just took a moment to breathe before setting his cup between his feet- “I don’t know if I want them to be there or if I’m afraid they are.”

That was a feeling Alex did understand. How the urge hovered like fog on the horizon, never knowing whether to consider the vague shape a familiar friend or a lurking demon. How that ambiguity didn't go away, no matter how close it came.

Stared at the gravel for a moment, trying to put the racing thoughts in their head into words. To try and explain why they’d been in the kitchen. Why they’d been upset to begin with. 

Settled on something else entirely. “Sorry I haven’t been there for you.”

That their shared history with addiction meant James probably didn’t feel comfortable talking about it with them. Alex could only hope that he did talk about it with someone. Aaron or Lafayette, maybe.

James snorted. “You’ve been there for me plenty. Just because I don’t use bear hugs as therapy doesn’t mean having you around hasn’t been a good thing. A reminder of why I shouldn’t go back, if nothing else.”

Alex plucked at the fabric covering their knee. “Glad to be your sinking ship in the distance.”

Because maybe if they made a joke about it, then it wouldn’t sting so much.

“Not like that.” An arm looped around Alex’s waist, pulling them into James’ chest and away from the railing. “I don’t want to lose you. Or Aaron. And I would.”

Alex bit at their bottom lip. “We wouldn’t leave you. You both stayed through-”

James brushed his fingers through Alex’s hair. “That wasn’t a judgment of either of you. But you know better than anyone, it’s one or the other. The drugs or the people around you.”

Not that Alex had seen it at the time. Hadn’t known every pill they took was another step further away from John. 

But not knowing at the time didn’t mean they didn’t know now. John might have forgiven them, but there would always be that fissure of doubt. His fingers would always wrap just a little too tight around Alex, physically clinging while maintaining more of an emotional distance. Aware that Alex might leave again.

“I’m sorry-” 

The fingers that had been gliding through their hair paused, tugging instead. “You’ve done nothing to be sorry for.”

Alex wasn’t sure how much they believed that, but for the moment, they would take it. Let James’ reassurance settle in their bones even as the quiet cloaked them one more. 

Held them both tight and warm despite the chilly air around them. 

A fragile sort of silence that Alex hated to break. “Are you going to tell Aaron?”

“Is there anything to tell?” James let it hang long enough to give Alex time to answer. To be honest if things were that bad. When they didn’t say anything, James squeezed them about the waist. “There are other ways to forget. To empty that head of yours. You know that right?”

Alex tilted their head to look up, hummed with pleasure when James answered the action with a soft kiss. When James didn’t complain as Alex took it a step further, twisting till their fingers could dig into the soft fabric of James’ sweater.

There wasn’t a quicker way to forget than the pills. But there more pleasant ways. Ways that dragged them together rather than further apart.

Before Alex could sink too far into that train of thought, hands tugged them up and inside. To the couch and then back down, Alex’s body stretched across their boyfriend’s. A reminder that this, this was better than the pills, better than the high. This heat that didn’t come with shame in the morning, that didn’t leave bruises all over. This body that knew how to take them apart, knew when to be rough and when to be gentle. 

That didn’t make Alex want to forget again.

There were many things that Alex hated about those early years. But Aaron and James weren’t on the list.


End file.
